Comments (0)

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

Satan: “Why so glum?”

Guy: “Why do you think? I’m in hell!”

Satan: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”

Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”

Satan: “Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink ’til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.”

Guy: “Gee that sounds great!”

Satan: “You a smoker?”

Guy: “You better believe it”

Satan: “All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?”

Guy: “Wow,that’s awesome!”

Satan: “I bet you like to gamble.”

Guy: “Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.”

Satan: “Good, ’cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.”

Guy: “Cool!”

Satan: “What about drugs?”

Guy: “Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…?”

Satan: “That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.”

Guy: “Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!”

Satan: “You gay?”

Guy: “No…”

Satan: “Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ..”

Comments (0)

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Comments (0)

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better seeing relations between them were very sour.

Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the daughters-in-law. Unfortunately the bus the mothers-in-law were traveling in was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.

The daughters-in-law shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss. Her friend asked her, “Forgive me for asking but why are u crying so hard, I didn’t realize you were so close to your mother-in-law?” to which she replied, “No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!”

Comments (0)

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

1) TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a BMW, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Comments (0)

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds..’ I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…. so, I took her to a gas station…

And then the fight started….

Comments (0)

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, ‘I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.’

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

Comments (0)

1. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . .

2. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

3. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

4. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

5. Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

Comments (0)

With all the turmoil in the market today, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co.
Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and
become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally…

9. Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

Comments (0)

An anagram is a word or phrase made by rearranging the letters of another word of phrase.

DORMITORY becomes DIRTY ROOM
ASTRONOMER becomes MOON STARER
DESPERATION becomes A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES becomes THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE becomes HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES becomes CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY becomes IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS becomes LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS becomes ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
A DECIMAL POINT becomes IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: becomes TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW becomes WOMAN HITLER

Comments (0)

VERY IMPORTANT FACTS FROM YOUR FINANCIAL ADVISER!

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die and I’ll inherit $200 million.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card … and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.