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One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt..

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ she replied.

‘What does it say on your shirt?’

He yelled back, ‘ OHIO STATE! ‘

And they say blondes are dumb…. Ohio State fans are even dumber!

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Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

4) SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s note as proof of sickness.

- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

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A fire alarm rang at 4 pm in a large office campus when almost all employees were present ( approx 5,000 people ).

As per past fire-drill practices, the entire office was quickly evacuated within 3 minutes, and all employees gathered outside the complex in designated areas waiting for further announcement.
Before long, the fire drill officer in-charge made the following broadcast over their loud-speakers system:

“My dear colleagues . . . with sincere regret, I have been asked to announce that for many of you, this will be your last evacuation drill with us. Due to the on-going recession and bad business climate, the company is laying off almost 50% of its staff. So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building. And if your swipe-card does not work, then it means that you have been laid off, in which case you will not be allowed inside, and all your personal belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow. The company is using this innovative, never-before approach as we do not want to choke our email system with lay-off notices and farewell messages going by the thousands, and we also wish to avoid any fighting inside the office and the consequent security issues for all staff. We hope you have had a rewarding career with us. Now please move back in… and good luck!”

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My Gosh!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

And then the fight started….

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THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway..’

That’s when the fight started…

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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You can’t read this and stay in a bad mood!

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.